Feeling into the letting go

What does this really mean, and what does this really feel like?! Letting go is a concept that I had yet to fully experience with the utmost awareness. Conceptually I can understand the concept of letting go of things that no longer serve you. But feeling into it and experiencing the very thing spirit wants you to let go, feels like a head on collision.

I have been working in a 9-5 job for 9 years (its funny how I am living in my numerological 9 personal year) and before my spiritual awakening, I thought my 9-5 was my beginning, middle, and end. As I evolved, and connected into my spirit, I found myself at a cross roads.

My spirit was staring into 2 versions of “me”.  This new version of me, new frequency, new  dreams, new understanding of the world and the old  version of me that believed that money was hard to come by, you must go to school to get a good job, and having a secure 9-5 job is the best that it gets. Both versions of me were fighting against one another, which resulted in crying outbursts, panic attacks, and zoning out.

My mind was running the show, operating on old codes and old matrix programming. My mind felt like it needed to be safe and it relayed the messaging to my ego that it is scary in the real world, you must stay in your current job to feel safe and protected.

I was contemplating applying to a promotion or deciding if I should quit/stay in my current role and this tug and pull was going on for over a year.  I could sense the tug and pull between these two versions of me. However, that fight felt safe. It felt safe to stay the same, and to dwell in stagnant energy. I tired to ignore the new version of me that was screaming LET THE JOB GO!

I needed guidance from my spirits and I know they were around me. This felt like a contracted moment in my life.

I shouted out, "spirit guides! Listen up!"  If you want me to leave, I want you to make it so clear that it is time to go. I applied to the promotion (I should note, that this promotion was for a job I was essentially doing for the past 2 years) and I said if I don’t get that promotion then its time to go. I didn’t get the promotion (thank you spirits for finally showing me the way).

Some perspective after I put in my 2 weeks notice. I could see the fight and resistance I held onto for the past two years. Everything in my working day felt like I was swimming against the current, it felt like I was arguing with myself and others and it felt like I had to fight to be heard. My body started to shake and I couldn’t catch my breath anymore. I would sit at my desk, grasping for air. It got to the point that I was not listening to my spirit, that my body had to take over to show me that I was holding onto this job that wasn’t aligned to my spirit anymore. Old co-workers, whom were amazing started leaving and it felt like I could watch everyone around me move on, but for me it was this fleeting moment I couldn’t get to. I didn’t know that I was resisting the letting go. All facets of my being were showing me chaos and a collapse as signs to leave, but my mind created such a tight hold on the job, I couldn’t see clearly.

I called out for change, I washed my windows to call in clarity, I cleared stagnant and dense energies in my home, and everything I had called out was being reflected back to me and I still couldn’t let go. (Forewarning, do not call out change unless you are totally ready to have everything around you collapse into chaos). I did the self discovery and created a  version of me that no longer vibrated at the same frequency of the old version of me that sat in that cubicle. My body and emotions were the first two facets of my being that were showing me the discord. It took a while to get to this realization, but I suppose I had to feel it and experience it.

Here is a challenge for those reading and for myself, I am going to let go at least one thing in my home that I am holding onto, fully aware that I don't use this thing or it's a nick-nack that is taking up shelf space or something I just don't like anymore. And as I remove it from my home (packaged for goodwill or recycled) say I am energetically releasing the programs I am holding onto that do not serve the highest version of myself. Watch everything unfold in your favor in divine timing.